Pont Saint Martin February 2010

SPB Diary (to be read in the Geordie Big Brother Voice)

Day 1 – it was the customary early start on Saturday morning for SPB. We go out of our way to ensure that the first day is a 24 hour marathon with no sleep. This sets the tone for the remainder of the week and ensures that your body never catches up. This is a similar process to the Death Zone.

The journey to the airport was routine for cars 1 to 4, but the resident SPB stunt driver in car 5, went out of his way to completely mash a poor wee deer who had just lay down on the A7 for a little rest. A quick flip of the windscreen wipers and the remnants of the unfortunate beastie were swished away. Rather ironic that the SPB veggie dispatches more wildlife than the SPB carnivores can eat.

The Alitalia flights were a dream. What a great company. Business Class as well. It’s a great feeling knowing that your flights home will be as good as those on the way out. A quick stop in Paris during which the party had some time for one or two pichets at Paris which put the company in fine fettle.

On arrival at the hotel (Business Class of course), it emerged that Jane had yet again contacted the accommodation in advance and changed the room allocation so that she could stay with the boys again (see also Ivrea, Cholet, PSM).  Only one man was brave enough to volunteer. Biff and Alan were so eager to get the only double bed room in the hotel that they beat their way through the crowd, fighting off all contenders, pushing, pulling, biting and they won the key for their dream room, although they were a bit taken aback when they discovered that their honeymoon suite didn’t have a door (or perhaps they did know?). Basil and Sybil fixed it though. A quick shower (for most) and then it was off for a leisurely meal and drink and then off to the opening Ceremony, some squeebs and then a march around the town to the Bouledrome Dance. No YMCA this year but that didn’t deter twinkle toes Stiggy Gray, the SPB dance-meister. Pipe Band Members = 15 but only 14 showers taken. Shower Count = 14. Odour – nasty

Day 2 – after a short parade in the morning it was off for a long and noisy lunch. Pasta for SPB except  poor Ginge who got a plate of snails lugs. And then the first Muckle Merch which wasn’t too bad after all, due to the mid-point mulled wine re-fuelling spot. After another great dance at the Bouledrome Boo decided to take a bale of confetti home as a present to his wife. Boo also kindly gave his mobile phone to Biff. Shower Count = 28 out of a possible 30. Odour – deteriorating

Day 3 – little was SPB to know that this was to turn into a special day of epic proportions. A day that all who witnessed the ensuing carnage, will remember for the rest of their lives.  To preserve the anonymity of this lead drummer from Galashiels, we’ll refer to him as G-Man. Anyway, this was G-Mans special day.

Before G-Mans moment of greatness, the band played at the blessing of the pig fat and bean soup and also took in the brilliant chariot racing before heading back to the Bouledrome for tea. And that is where it all began.

There were a 100 or more Italians all singing noisily. G-Man rallied the 15 SPB troops and standing on the table had us outsinging the Italians with The Wee Mannie. It was reminiscent of the great film Zulu where a handful of soldiers take on thousands of Zulu warriors. The Italians countered back with their own version, easily overcoming the Scottish resistance. Boo then leads SPB into a stirring rendition of Flower of Scotland, tears of pride streaming from the outnumbered Borderers eyes as they sang their national song. Another counter by the Italians but they were now wavering. G-Man steps up to breach, stands on the table and floors the hosts with that timeless Scottish Classic - Father Abraham. The whole hall was now buzzing as the 200 or so folk are like puppets at under the control of the puppet-meister Mr G-Man.

Just when you think things couldn’t get any better, G-Man is challenged to a down-the-pint competition. He absolutely hammers his Italian challenger. The hall is roaring with cheers, applause and admiration for this fine Scots Chappie. Another challenger is soon brought forward and then quickly put to the sword. The atmosphere is electric and buzzing. The roof top is reverberating with the cheers of all in the hall. “G-Man, G-Man, G-Man...”.  The Italians, now silenced, scour the whole town for another challenger and eventually wheel out Big Jock. This boy is massive. David versus Goliath. Gala Fairydean versus Celtic. G-Man in the style of Keanu Reaves in The Matrix, looks him up and down and simply says ‘bring it on’. 3 – 2 – 1 and they're off. Incredibly G-Man sees off the third challenger. It has never been done before. PSM have never seen the likes of this. The hall is absolutely raucous, the noise is tremendous. G-Man is the star of the night and milks the applause with his arms outstretched.  The hero of Pont St Martin. The crowd were chanting “G-Man, G-Man, G-Man, Bravi.....”

And then, ...............*&&.......####.....#&*....................................................

Anyway, 14 of the band went on to enjoy the remainder of the evening.

Shower Count = 42 out of a possible 45. Rumours spreading that there is a Stig amongst the party. Odour – rank

Day 4 – how do you beat a night like the one before? The last day was a fine merch through PSM with a muckle Paella prepared by the towns twin town.

The final muckle merch was much harder than the first but the mulled-wine refuelling station helped as did the SPB Penguin dance.

Pingboo

The fireworks were even more special than ever. And with that, the 100th Carnival was brought to a close.

However, it emerged later, that during the night, the Confetti Queen, Mr Malcolm, had been visiting the boys rooms and depositing little gifts from Boo's bale of confetti. Boo was raging. SR awoke, oblivious, but curious as to how he was now lying in 2 inches of confetti.

Shower Count = 56.5 out of a possible 60. Odour in room 10 – indescribable

Day 5 – should have been a straight forward trip home but thanks to Alitalia cancelling the flight to Paris, it turned into a Lord of the Rings quest with half the company flying Turin to Rome to London to Edinburgh and the other half being treated to Turin to Rome to Amsterdam to Edinburgh. All made it in one piece and the stunt driver (to the best of my knowledge) managed to avoid further wildlife driving home.

Shower Count = 70.5 out of a possible 75. Thank goodness I was on the Amsterdam flight.